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Talking to Yourself

(From Talking to Yourself: Learning the Language of Self-Affirmation, by Pam Butler, Harper, San Francisco, 1991, ISBN 0062501194)

A number of years ago I was facing a difficult life situation, and I wasn't dealing with it very effectively. In fact, I was my own best enemy. I was tripping myself up by running myself down and I didn't even know it.

I visited a local bookstore's Personal Development section and purchased a book entitled "Talking to Yourself: Learning the Language of Self-Affirmation," by Pam Butler. It was a very helpful book.

If you find yourself facing a difficult situation, and that little voice in your head keeps telling you one thing or another that results in your not dealing with the situation effectively, you might enjoy reading the book, too. In any case, here's what the book is about ...

Butler suggests that some people use drivers, stoppers, and confusers which result in blocking them from successfully dealing with difficult situations in their lives, or keep them from reaching their goals. It's the little voice in their head that uses these drivers, stoppers, and confusers. In a nutshell, here's what she writes about...

Drivers

Among the most common drivers in our lives are the drive to:

Be Perfect
Everything we do has to be perfect, and until it is perfect, it isn't right or acceptable. This driver can simply drive us into despair. It results in our either being afraid to even tackle the situation or driving us nuts trying to deal with it perfectly. If we understood that perfection is impossible, we would acknowledge that what we should accept and be proud of is any endeavor in which we do the best we can honestly do. Expecting ourselves to be perfect can often result in failure.

Hurry!
Everything has to be done NOW! Hurry up! What a shame. The reality is that doing things slowly might actually extend the pleasure, draw our attention to the little details that are so interesting and from which we learn so much. Feeling/believing that we have to hurry can, in other words, result in failure.

Try Hard
Not only do we sometimes feel we have to try hard, we try so hard that we fail. Why not choose to deal with situations we know we can effect (and avoid those we can not) and simply do as best we can. Don't try hard. Just put forth your best effort and you're more likely to succeed.

Please Others
I remember talking with a student of mine about his future. It ended up he was talking about the future his parents had for him, not the future he wanted for himself. I asked him, "When your parents' lives end, as hopefully they will before your life ends, will you be happy doing what you're choosing to do?"

He thought about that for just a few seconds before he said, "I never thought of it that way. I want to do what I want to do. I think that's what's going to make me happy." And he's right. We should think less about trying to please others and simply do what we know will please ourselves. When you think about it, a person who is happy doing what he is doing (unless he's robbing a bank!) is someone who, in the long run, will bring pleasure to others!

Be Strong
Face every difficult situation as though you can't be hurt or hide the hurt and you'll see why Butler suggests that trying to always be strong can actually weaken us. To be healthy, we need to let our feelings out in a constructive way. When you think about it, facing our disappointments and allowing ourselves to feel hurt can strengthen us. Learning to accept and work through hurt and disappointment makes facing future disappointments easier.

Stoppers

Stoppers are those things some of us do that stop us in our tracks instead of moving us along to deal successfully with difficult situations. Among the stoppers Butler writes about are:

Catastrophizing
If we think that our actions will result in a personal catastrophe, we stop what we're doing. The fact is, whatever it was we thought we needed to do will not result in a catastrophe. At best, the difficult situation will be resolved satisfactorily. At worst, it won't be and we can try again or forget it!

Negative Self-Labeling
Have you ever thought of yourself an incompetent, stupid, clumsy, lazy, or anything else that's derogatory? If you have, that's negative self-labeling. Sometimes we don't even wait for someone else to label us negatively - we just play back an old tape of our parents or someone else we cared about who labeled us negatively.

Butler tells us we need to label ourselves using positive terms, and that doing so will help empower us to achieve our goals and overcome life's difficult situations.

Setting Rigid Requirements
This is my favorite, because I sometimes do this to myself. I know there's something I have to do or accomplish. Then I set these requirements for doing it and for what it must look like when I'm finished with it. The problem is, the requirements are so rigid that I run into trouble. Life is filled with all kinds of obstacles, many of which can not be seen in advance. What a shame to approach a difficult situation without being willing to bend. Instead of setting rigid requirements, be flexible. Go with the flow, as has been said. You'll find life much more enjoyable. Besides, you're still going to do a great job!

Confusers

Confusers are those things we tell ourselves which make reaching our goals more difficult. Among the confusers are:

Overgeneralization
Butler writes that by overgeneralizing a situation we lose sight of the details, and it's the details with which we must work in order to accomplish our goals.

Magnification
Sometimes we blow things all out of proportion, making them impossible to deal with successfully. I've been guilty of this one many times in the past. The fact is, once I got over the anxiety caused by magnifying the situation, I found that it wasn't as bad a situation as I thought. That made it much easier to deal with. It also taught me not to over-react so much.

Either-Or Thinking
"Either I do this, or that happens." The fact is, there are several "things" we can do in approaching our goals or dealing with difficult situations. And there are many different outcomes, several of which might be quite satisfactory. By thinking I must do this or that will happen can paralyze us. By remaining creative, we can overcome obstacles more effectively.

Steps to Growth and Reduction of Negative Self Talk

Ask yourself:

1. What am I saying to myself?
2. Is what I'm saying to myself helping me or hurting me?
3. What drives, stoppers, and confusers am I using?
4. What permission will I give myself? Like, permission to slow down, or to make the requirements for happiness a little more flexible.
5. What self-affirmation (positive self-talk) will I permit myself?
6. What action will I take based on my new supportive, positive position?

In other words, you are in control of you.

I haven't presented this information as effectively as Pam Butler does, but I hope you got the point. If you want to know more about Butler's approach, get her paperback book from the library or order it. The book is only a few dollars through Amazon.com.

Perhaps you know that, as part of your fees paid to the university, you have access to highly qualified, compassionate, and free counseling services - regardless of the issue or issues you are facing. The counselors in the Counseling and Testing office are on the third floor of Carrington Hall, in the heart of the campus.

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